Hey guys! It's been far too long since the last time I blogged. So... decided to make a comeback by changing to a new blog template (had to do it cause I accidentally screwed up my old template and didn't have a backup wtf) and new name!
And yeah, looking at the title and a picture of a fully-opened window you can guess it's going to be kinda like a confession.
To be honest even typing here I don't feel comfortable, but compared to saying it to anyone else in real life, this is relatively the best, and the most comfortable for me right now.
And, fret not!! This isn't going to be some mushy, sweet-nothings confession meant for a specific other half. But this is, probably meant for some people.
Some background info (?) for the past few weeks, months and prolly my whole life, I've been stressing out, worrying over a lot of things, changed into a seemingly different person entirely and back again, I don't know. & this is why I was afraid to start blogging again, because I don't want to be writing another blog draft and delete it just because I don't know how to explain myself. But I'll write whatever I can.
This year, prolly will be my most regretful year. I guess it's because I lost a few valuable close friends. It was my fault, I let them slip away because I was so self-indulged in my own thoughts, selfish and so self-centred. Well, they found new friends and maybe met new people to be with and I'm glad for a particular friend that she is more happier now, (I know she is I just know it hueghueghue *paranoid*) because I used to worry cause deep inside I know she deserves more than what she got that time, at least that was the past and like I said she is happy now, and considering she's in the hands of my other close, trustworthy friends (omg im so confused right now this friend that friend, next time need to name initials!), she'll be well taken care of.
But I am still very upset that I let that particular friend go because she was with me for 4 years in school and even in cca. It sucked that all this happened because of my self-indulging me.
And to the other friend that stuck with me throughout my secondary school life till the period of july, I just want her to know that she is irreplaceable and she will always be my best friend even though we drifted like mad because of me. I'm sorry.
Note: reading on from here on may/ may not offend you, really depends on who you are. but I'm really just being honest if it does.
and if you are, then no offense (that is very ironic).
Not only did I drift apart from these beautiful people I treasure, I drifted from this other circle of friends, too. But I was glad I drifted from these group of people, which are the ones I hang out for recess with, for my whole secondary school life. I guess you can say I'm the kind of person that people do not respect, someone that you can brush her opinions off like dust on a suitcase. That's because I devote half my time in entertaining, having fun, making a complete fool out of myself in this group because I just enjoy making others laugh. Of course, I don't expect myself to be respected if I'm like this, right? So I guess it kind of started off like that, changing into someone less silliness, more firmness to my actions and in my sentences so I won't be treated like a less-worthy person. But believe me, I tried. But whatever I did, nothing seemed to work.
They still made fun of me, laughed, even when a complete stranger could tell I was really being firm.
& I'm left, there, to wonder if what I did before, all that being joked of and being silly and all was an awfully huge mistake.
Sometimes I become really tired of it, or I just think I should be myself, and go back to my old patterns again. To make a joke out of myself for other's laughter and joy.
Soon, their laughter and giggles turned into disgusted looks and sniggering, from being made fun of became critisising and insulting me, especially when times when it's a personal conversation between one of them and me. And trust me, I really freaking mean it when I said they made disgusted looks and the sniggering part. That moment, I swore, I will never get that image off. Ever.
And I didn't realise it became this serious until this one day earlier this year when I got home, hugged my legs while I was in the bathtub and thought about all that they had said that afternoon
and cried.
Then I realised now. It was exactly as what happened to me about 5 years ago.
When I got slapped, when I got hit on my thigh until it became bruised because I refused to hand over my daily pocket money to this girl in my primary school.
That day I got abused,
I got home, hugged my legs in the bathtub and cry, too.
It was a long story, why I held on to that primary school friendship for a long time, but I have written a long blog post of it before (go and find it if you want >__>) . Eventually I broke all ties with her because obv I was still perfectly sane and knew what a bully is and meant.
So what happened to that circle of friends?
Surprisingly, I still talk to them. I guess it's because not everyone in there is that mean and fucked(oops), and as long as they know where they stand and the limit, at least right now they do, I'm fine with them in my life.
Anyway, I put almost to no effort into them anymore, I mean, why am I putting in so much effort to make them happy when they aren't going to put in ANY effort? Sooooo....... isn't really worth it.
I guess I chose the wrong friends to share my weirdest gift with.
But for now, they are behind. Because I want to concentrate on the ones that are truly important. The ones that cared for me, gave me unconditional love, supported and believed in me. I want to give them the laughter and the joy that they really deserve. I can't imagine life without these people, really.
omf i just teared writing this part hehhehe (': -wipes-
Of course, after that incident I've been very wary and critical about the people around me, in case anyone crosses the line and deja vu! Same cycle will happen.
Anyway, if you're guilty of such a bullying act, verbally or physically, you should stop and apologise now.
Cause karma will get you.
Thinking of writing a part 2, but shall leave it for next time. It's 4am right now and I wanna continue watching my korean drama *yawns* Screwed up body clock at its best :P
Okay, ciao!
“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” - Albert Camus
HELLO EVERYONE!!!!
it's been fucking fucking long since I blogged. It's been like what, 2months? Haha.
Things took a turn for the better as compared to the time of the previous post. Well, I guess so? At least I'm not that insecure anymore. I feel more mature now, I learnt to be more independent and to be accepting and happy with my life, because of course, yolo (-;
Although I still think I'm still a bit insecure and such, and thinking about the stuff today make me realised I don't speak well with acquaintances/strangers, to the point I am so awkward.
I still feel like I close up a lot, and am a kind of person that needs a lot of space. However, sometimes I just want to open up just like the rest of the people, but I just can't. I find myself acting like a slug that's been poured salt on and hiding in its shell after, but I would've melted by then, so.. forget the salt part. No? Just me? Alright.
Recently, I feel so moody, listless in the day, and in the night I get so upset and depressed with myself I actually think about my past and.. ya' know, cry. I don't know what's happening but I just felt like it. & I know this is normal for girls when their 'ahem' is just around the corner. I hope it's true.
I'd just get insecure because I never want to lose anyone close to me, much less get replaced. If it were another person close to me doing the same thing as you, I'd too, get upset.
On a lighter note, I had POA for 8 or 9 hours today, and it was so so so productive! I absorbed everything Ms Tan has said during the consultation and I got full marks for P&L, P&L Appropriation,Current a/c and Balance Sheet, and I used to suck so much at it that I scored 20percent below the average percentage, oh god. So to me, this is a very good achievement for me, and I'll do better cause obv isn't the end yet.
Shall end off with a happy picture. Yay AT!!
Ciao~
You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I'd been by far.
Boopdeloop. Hey guys, back with a new blog post. I know I haven't blogged in like a month or so, but hey, least I'm blogging now right? XD
Things.. haven't been very good these past few weeks, or for a month. Or least, I don't feel good. Have a lot to say but I don't think I'll be able to say everything since I was planning to sleep soon, and I just can't seem to string the words I want to say.
First of all, I feel like I lost everything. Literally, really, everything. The old me, whom was carefree, whom did not care of others' judgments, the old me, whom will not judge someone, at least not badly, the old me who'd put other
s before her, my dignity, my respect. I feel like I lost it all. Yet I'm trying so hard to fight back for what's rightfully mine.
But really, am I creating these in my head, or did I really lost it all? For one, I really do think still sane and I know what I've got(or rather, I know what I don't have), I have proof, after all these years.
I'll fight and stand up for myself, no matter what. Even if it means losing the people I love, even if they are the people closest to me.
I can't make the same mistakes again. I can't.
And perhaps, I lost the old me on the way, fighting for myself for victory. I feel myself changing. I feel myself as a different person. This is not me.
On a lighter note, I feel that this year I've finally settled down. Sometimes, I do get carried away and get complacent but I try my best to calm myself and get my head straight on whether if what I'm doing right now will affect my future, and what is the right thing I'm supposed to do at the present time.
Who am I?
What have I done?
Who have I become?
Who am I....
She's perfect. *-*
So another unproductive day just passed, just like that. I feel so disappointed in myself today, for not doing everything I wanted to do. Only completed math homework and english article reflections, and it drained almost all the energy I've got today. Still haven't finished my ss links essay, physics homework, maths revision and I'm suppose to finish all this today T____T hopeless anabelle....
However, today is particularly blue, the air is clouded with nostalgia, sky felt green and room was turning white... Is it just me? I feel like I'm keeping too much, unsaid words are overflowing from the seams yet I'm wanting to stop it with a cork. I can't say, "I am honest!" as one of my proud qualities anymore. I can't say integrity is my first priority without feeling like a cheat.
Somehow, I am able to feel like this without lying.
I think it's just how open I think I should be to people, and when I don't, I feel like I'm a liar, a fake.
Maybe it's just the weather..
perhaps the weather....
yes the weather...
Hey guys! Wow it's been 2months since I blogged huh! Well things have been going pretty well lately, haven't done much blogging b/c I'm just lazy, not in the mood to, and kinda busy (excuses).
Just wanted to jot down my thoughts in this post. I've been thinking a lot for these few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to cover everything I can remember right now, I don't wanna be adding in more stuff after I publish this hehe.
So a few days ago, I was doing a lot of thinking then, I realised I push people that are close to me, away a lot. Probably on purpose, prolly not, I don't know. I never really think of really pushing others away unless you're a fucking bitch ass that suck ups to everybody and think you're the best and look down on others, well then yes I'll push you away, I'll even push you off a building. It's like uhmm.. when someone new comes along and tries to get really close to you? Like they build their trust really fast and in a few days they're already sharing their secrets to you. And them, they automatically think that you will trust them as much as they had already trusted you, will want you to share your secrets too. I get uncomfortable and without knowing it myself I'll back off. Is it because I build my trust in people slower than what usual people do? Is that why I always end up building a wall around me?
Maybe this doesn't happen that much to new people I meet. What about the people I'm close to? The people I've built years of friendship, brick by brick?
It's been a weird behavior/habit of mine and I haven't really paid attention to it until that day when I thought about it.
So I went on google to search ''Why do I push people away'' LOL, and yeah lots of useful results came in. Clicked on a few forums and it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. In fact there are many people doing it (guess I'm not abnormal afterall).
These people from the forums, came up with many possible solutions. Some say I have avoidant personality disorder (?), which I kinda agree (:P). Then some say fear, that if I get too close to someone else - being too reliant or dependent on them. Or the most common one, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them.
Another reason could be,
''so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie.''
Well haven't got a clue what is an avie, I think it's the main person (?)
And of course, subconsciously backing off to see if someone will stay or not. If they give up and leave, they aren't suitable. And if they hang around, we push them harder -__-
They also said your childhood also affects what you are now, but I've never suffered any shock when I was a child, well, maybe, apart from G. But.. reeeeaaally? Maybe she was a best friend cum freaking monster and that prolly scarred me for life. I guess maybe I just don't want to go back to that day, huh.
till now I haven't got a clue what's with me. I think I'm just going to let nature take its course.
But I'm not going to do it anymore.
I do treasure my relationships with others and take it seriously.
However if I still do it, pardon me. I don't mean to, then again I do if you are ((insert 7th line of blog post here))
I hope our friendship will be swirl endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.
Do you remember what day today is?
Today is confession day.
I've waited for a gazillion years, just for this day to come, just to reminisce and cherish the preciousness of this annual day.
Do you remember?
