Deep Thoughts

  Hey guys! Wow it's been 2months since I blogged huh! Well things have been going pretty well lately, haven't done much blogging b/c I'm just lazy, not in the mood to, and kinda busy (excuses).
  Just wanted to jot down my thoughts in this post. I've been thinking a lot for these few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to cover everything I can remember right now, I don't wanna be adding in more stuff after I publish this hehe.
  So a few days ago, I was doing a lot of thinking then, I realised I push people that are close to me, away a lot. Probably on purpose, prolly not, I don't know. I never really think of really pushing others away unless you're a fucking bitch ass that suck ups to everybody and think you're the best and look down on others, well then yes I'll push you away, I'll even push you off a building. It's like uhmm.. when someone new comes along and tries to get really close to you? Like they build their trust really fast and in a few days they're already sharing their secrets to you. And them, they automatically think that you will trust them as much as they had already trusted you, will want you to share your secrets too. I get uncomfortable and without knowing it myself I'll back off. Is it because I build my trust in people slower than what usual people do? Is that why I always end up building a wall around me?
 Maybe this doesn't happen that much to new people I meet. What about the people I'm close to? The people I've built years of friendship, brick by brick?
  
It's been a weird behavior/habit of mine and I haven't really paid attention to it until that day when I thought about it.
 So I went on google to search ''Why do I push people away'' LOL, and yeah lots of useful results came in. Clicked on a few forums and it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. In fact there are many people doing it (guess I'm not abnormal afterall).
  These people from the forums, came up with many possible solutions. Some say I have avoidant personality disorder (?), which I kinda agree (:P). Then some say fear, that if I get too close to someone else - being too reliant or dependent on them. Or the most common one, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them. 
Another reason could be,
''so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie.'' 
Well haven't got a clue what is an avie, I think it's the main person (?)
And of course, subconsciously backing off to see if someone will stay or not. If they give up and leave, they aren't suitable. And if they hang around, we push them harder -__-
  
They also said your childhood also affects what you are now, but I've never suffered any shock when I was a child, well, maybe, apart from G. But.. reeeeaaally? Maybe she was a best friend cum freaking monster and that prolly scarred me for life. I guess maybe I just don't want to go back to that day, huh.
till now I haven't got a clue what's with me. I think I'm just going to let nature take its course.
But I'm not going to do it anymore. 
I do treasure my relationships with others and take it seriously.
However if I still do it, pardon me. I don't mean to, then again I do if you are ((insert 7th line of blog post here))


 I hope our friendship will be swirl endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.

if you ever come back if you ever come back now

Do you remember what day today is?
Today is confession day.
I've waited for a gazillion years, just for this day to come, just to reminisce and cherish the preciousness of this annual day.

Do you remember?  

The hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay.

Waited, til' I lost tension from the anger devil. 

I know I deleted many posts, I didn't know what I was doing or thinking, but this'll make up for it. Nothing I'm about to say here is to gain fame, pity, or beauty from.

Exams are over, even though I got distracted a lot in the last exam. Whatever I got, I deserve it.

Been thinking a lot, even though its only a day or two I stayed of that hellhole. I shouldn't have seen anything, I shouldn't have read everything. Right now I'm on the brink of tears, fighting back the lump in my throat.

“If one day you feel like crying... call me.

I don't promise that I will make you laugh

But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to run away, don't be afraid to call me.

I don't promise to ask you to stop,

But I can run with you.

If one day you don't want to listen to anyone, call me 

I promise to be there for you, 

But I also promise to remain quiet 

But...If one day you call and there is no answer...

come fast to see me..

Perhaps I need you.” 

- Robert J. Lavery

I hate myself, to the core. It's not only you that is against me. Everyone is, the world is, even I am against myself. I hate how I changed everything. I hate how I am still living. I hate what I am right now.

At times, I feel lonely and my heart wants my penguins back, but my brain will stop me, because this happened once before, I was a burden, a hindrance to success. I don't want to let it happen again, yet I still want to go back to where left off.

I'm torn.

 It was entirely my fault. But I'm getting perpetually exhausted, tired. I want to stop trying, I feel like stopping, because it looks like I'm the only one trying. While everyone is like 'oh idgaf', you know, I don't know what to say. I'd naturally keep quiet until the subject is directed to another, or 'no, don't say that'.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to count you penguins as. Are we acquaintances or friends? That day when 'outsiders' asked me, I was tongue-tied. Maybe I should've said we were once close but then one day we drifted. 

I really don't understand, sometimes penguins would say they never left in the first place, but on other days penguins would say we only wanted ______ and _____%#%#& urgh what I don't even understand what I'm saying now. You said you didn't leave, but you meant you did when you say we wanted you penguins back.

'Is there something or nothing you wanted to say?'

'That feeling, when half your bottle is filled with secrets, promises, insecurities, and the rest continues building up and they start to burst at the seams, overflowing'

Nobody understands, nobody does. The feeling when you keep everything to yourself for 80days. & when there's nobody you can trust to tell everything to, or there's really nobody physically, there at all and you're just fooling yourself.
You won't know how it feels to have your bottle filled up and the rest to overflow. I am like this because last time I had people I could talk to, but now I don't and I feel.. tensed. Like everyone is out to get me.

No matter how much I fool myself that I can make you happy again, the fact still boils down to this.

''I can't.''

''There's only one person in the world I can trust now..''

''Who? Annabelle?''

Getting to know the fact that she can't trust me after we had so much fun and reflection in a day, it kinda sucks. Especially when all I want was a trust-ful friend. Then, some things happen and I started distancing from everything emotionally, then to her, until finally, the rubberband broke.  

“Friendship is a rubber band. It can either be stretched to its limit so that it can hold the most number of things, or it can be stretched till it breaks. If you stretch till it breaks, it means that the friendship will not last. The one who stretches the rubber band is reality. Whether it holds or breaks doesn’t just depend on how strong the love is. It depends on how aggressive reality is stretching as well. If the rubber band has broken, there is no way to fix it.”

Is there really no way to fix it? 

I never really mind much about their new friends. I even found it weird one day during lessons, that they talk a lot to their peers, but they never hung out.

I'm not snatching, well, I don't know, probably I am now that I'm wanting to take away half the time where they coulda hung out more if I didn't existed at all. I'm just saying I don't want my penguins to forget us completely. I know penguins is a weird word but I feel uncomfortable to 'you all you all'.

& I never wanted 24hrs at all.

'If I can't stop myself from seeing what I don't want to see, then I'll do it by force. If I can't stop myself from saying what I don't want to say, then I'll force myself. I'll cut my eyes out and I'll sew my mouth'

I lost my chance. Cried so much, shed so much red river, on a single picture. It fucking hurted a lot. But now I'm over the picture already. I am contented again, because your smile was beautiful, and you were happy and that's all that matters. The background does not mean a thing.

I do not have courage without you by my side

I can't smile like that. I'll be disappointing you if you expect I should. You're right, this, isn't the only problem for you and it isn't for me either. Month ago, I'm tied by whether I should forget liars, continue greeting two-faces with a smile. But in the end I decide to forgive and forget.

I'm a real person. I sin, I forgive and do good deeds(i don't know what is the opposite of sin), I smile when I'm happy, I brood when I'm sad. But I don't fake, unless I really have to, like infront of my family. But it's tiring, you will never know how it feels to be in my shoes.

Not everything was directed at you, but I will stay away from the hellhole to stop me from turning into a red devil. I will stop myself from brooding. I will stay away from the things you do. But if one day, one day, if I ever break my promise, then forgive me.

I feel very lost, everyone knows what they're doing and I don't even know what to do. It's like I don't even know where I'm going.

All I wanted to say was

I am sorry.                                                                                                                                      

  

Burnt lungs

Still able to live, wake up to a memory, go to school, sleep and get ready for another day. Life goes on, but I am miserable at best.

Lo siento.

M o n a L i s a

mi Mona Lisa, eres hermosa. eres digno de él y voy a hacer cualquier cosa para que usted vuelva.

  

.. No voy a dar marcha atrás

♥

#nowplaying Want U Back - Cher Lloyd

Stare into the gun, do you feel this numbing feeling on your forehead?

OMG 3-DAY CAMP. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!! altho it was super tiring, exhausting, and I was so sleep-deprived and walking like a zombie and sneezed at everything in sight ):
There was just so much drama in just 3 days omfg. But during these 3days there was happiness, contentment, excitement, delight.
Omg!! The forest adventure!! it was so scary yet fun!!
finally got to use the two ropes thing on the harness! I've always thought what was it for in primary school! 
AND FINALLY we do not need people to keep billaying (?) us while we're in mid-air only a thin rope to support our weight. I never trust the people billaying me!! if they're not focused I'll die ok!! and last time I had someone whom was very quiet and blur to billay me I felt unsafe to even walk on the log! I felt like if I fell and died she would've panicked but still afraid to tell a teacher omfg.
Yeah so we have to make use of the tools we have on the harness to make our way through the four stations. And we would go from one station to another by the flying-fox! Cool or cool!!
And I was so afraid when I first had to do the flying fox! (oooh I still have that feeling when I close my eyes and think about it!) it was so high up and when I looked down my legs turn all jelly and shit but I mustered my courage to just jump and convince myself the pulley thing wouldn't jam or snap while I slide across the reservoir and yeah I succeeded!
The other 2 flying foxes were less scary since I did the first one and I survived. & hey it wasn't really scary after I did all the stations high up whether I had to step on shaky logs and walk on a single rope and hold only the rope that was attached to my pulley.
Altho the lightning alert sounded while I was in Site 3 and they just asked me to 'roll' myself through all the stations and just flying-fox to Site 4, I've never felt so accomplished! I used to be rlly scared of the flying-fox!
& although there was no one to cheer me on except my own pretentious enemies, its sad all of us were separated into groups ):
So much more to say but I'm just too tired!.. even though I had already repaid my sleep debt for 2 days ok maybe I'm just lazy but whatever guys ciao!!!!






I'm glad I came for this camp because I became a better person

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

Hmm.. It seems my life is crumbling into pieces, huh.

forget happy posts, why should i pretend

Everything is written in the aspect of      true friends-
Yes, I wrote it, I wrote that post of negative things about you, with half of me hoping you would see it. Why? because you were treating me coldly after those few days, and all I want was for your attention whether good or bad. B/c I'd rather you hate me for something I do, than treat me coldly. But no, after you read it you treated me colder than before. I thought you would scold me when I came to school so I could scold back and scream at you and blame you for all my misery, but you didn't.

Attitude
Yes, my attitude played a part in this for being possibly the most egoistic shit you'll ever meet. I admit my attitude is shitty as hell. Yes, I'm self-centred. Yes, I'm selfish. Yes, I'm arrogant. .. It was like, 'since we're in this plight already, why not sink deeper' attitude. This was what triggered me to write it. I don't know why I was born to be a burden to others.

Anger&Jealousy
Yes, I admit I was jealous & envy, obv or I wouldn't have written about her 2. Jealous you've got bettr things to care abt, jealous you've got people to care for you & I don't..& yes I was angry, angry that you didn't care, angry that you told her everything even tho I told you not to. Yeah, maybe that time when you said it was fine I rlly thought you were fine with it. You needed somebody to confide in, so maybe I kinda disregarded your thoughts and feelings then. Seriously I never wanted to hurt you, I didn't mean for you to be backstabbed.

Friend
You may have a lot of friends to wipe your tears, cheer you up and encourage you. But I only have you as my true friend. I'm sorry if I come across as a very clingy person. When you're depressed or down I try not to ask or concern b/c you need your own space. Well I won't be clingy and won't disturb u anymore.

We don't even care abt each other's welfare anymre.
Maybe you've changed. I've changed. Everything's changed and I'm still living in the past.
And for the very last time I'm going to say it since i've already said it a gazillion times.
Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry.
You must know that the last thing I will ever do is betray you. I never did, & I never will.  


I know i wouldn't be able to say it to your face b/c im such a coward so i cld only write it down behind a screen. i hope it will explain everyth i rlly wanna say.










EDIT: it's something I brought upon myself, so ignore me, hit me, etc whenever. altho you could've rubbed it in my face i don't understand why you don't.

something that i'd die for

Recently watched some video of homophobics screwing the love between two gays oh fuck them. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR9gyloyOjM&feature=youtu.be
homophobics should just die, srsly.
oh & read some news that Obama approved of gay marriages.
Support gay marriages! #EqualLoveEqualRights
          'love, is a human experience, not a political statement'

In Your Arms - Kina Grannis

You gave me so much to remember and a promising future to look forward to with laughter, frustration, & gratitude, swirling endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.

 

Nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it

                                             'Please remind me who I really am'

Okay, this time I'm finally going to make a normal-length blog post!! B/c.... 

EXAMS JUST ENDED TODAY!!!!!!

Okay not really, I still have Chinese Listening Comprehension but bleah that doesn't count.

So recently I know I have been writing 'abnormal' and emo blog posts but wh4t3v3r, as long as I'm fine now it's okay right? Ha.

But I won't be writing as much emo posts now, so don't worry that you have to scroll through a pile of f-cks and shit.

This blog will be used for neutral posts only (:  (okay can't help it maybe I can complain a bit about first world problems???)

(okay maybe after here it'll be a bit emo :/ soz)

 

 The 7deadly sins. I remembered hearing about it somewhere before. they're something like.. the reason why you sin.

& I did three.

Will the sins stay with me forever?

Oh and can someone tell me the story of Adam & Eve?

1've g0t $$$$$ 1n m4 H4l\ldS tH4T 1 RlLY LyK t0 Bl00\l/ (SW4G, SW4G, SW4G)

wounded

IM A BITCH IM A FUCKING BITCH I AM SORRY I AM TERRIBLY SORRY I ALREADY PUNISHED MYSELF FOR IT IM SORRY.. IM SORRY..
FUCK MYSELF

One more spoon of cough syrup now.

3 words. no it's not what you think. It's the type of 3-letter words that common people would use to call themselves when they're feeling out of place, left out. The three-letter word that when spoken, common people would think of only 1 meaning, left out. Perhaps open-minded beings would think of a million other reasons. Maybe a dead pet. Maybe getting bullied. Maybe self-hatred. And these words never fail to appear in a large font in black and white wherever I go.

I




















 I feel lonely.

For every millilitre of tear you shed, in exchange I will shed the same amount of blood.

I'll bribe you with a picture of a cute kitten so you will continue reading my blog.
You said it's my blog, I can say whatever I want right?
Before you even think of leaving us for other friends, I want you to know you are the awesomest and bestest friend I ever had. I remembered seeing you in primary school, before I even met you, you were holding a Twilight Saga book and had this rectangular spectacle frame (and you still do now!) and I remb thinking to myself 'Oh, she reads Twilight. I'm going to be friends with her in the future.' And I did! I did and I'm so glad I did. & I was really very sure I would make friends with you that time, idk why. hahah.
I'm sorry for being sensitive and the meanest bitch ever alive on earth that deserves to be shot in the head. Please ignore whatever I said before. I don't deserve to be your friend. I deserve having The Most Trustworthy role taken away from me. But you will be my friend forever.
Maybe this clearly isn't the time to say this since everyone is buried in their own shit. But I miss when we used to have fun and chill almost 24/7 without feeling a second of down. I miss when we could talk about almost anything and everything. & this may have been the most stupidest thing I'll ever say, but I will miss you hitting my head cause it makes me feel lyk your smaller sister and I feel sho kyuute! heh :3 :3
Please don't feel depressed anymore. As once an optimistic person who was once pessimistic, told me, you were inside your mom's stomach for about 9months, gave birth to you, raised you up until today. So don't you think its kind of wasted if you spend almost your whole life brooding and dwelling? Don't waste your precious time, it could've been used for revision for a Chemistry test you know? Life is short. Live life to the fullest. God gave you this life to fulfil something important. Mine was to make you fulfil yours ^__^ now go, fly little bird and come back a peacock!! k kidding. But please really don't be sad. I'm always there for you. But you think you never talk to me you cute liddat isit? not cute okay is like shit!!!!!!11111
K honestly, maybe tmr you will continue to neglect me, the day after tomorrow. Maybe even if you tie me to a rocket and set fire, I know in the end I will crawl back to you and apologise and put super glue on your side and stick to you muahahhahahhahaha!!! 
 Please never give up on yaddadadadaaddadadada, k?
k ciao




 

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