if you ever come back if you ever come back now

Do you remember what day today is?
Today is confession day.
I've waited for a gazillion years, just for this day to come, just to reminisce and cherish the preciousness of this annual day.

Do you remember?  

The hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay.

Waited, til' I lost tension from the anger devil. 

I know I deleted many posts, I didn't know what I was doing or thinking, but this'll make up for it. Nothing I'm about to say here is to gain fame, pity, or beauty from.

Exams are over, even though I got distracted a lot in the last exam. Whatever I got, I deserve it.

Been thinking a lot, even though its only a day or two I stayed of that hellhole. I shouldn't have seen anything, I shouldn't have read everything. Right now I'm on the brink of tears, fighting back the lump in my throat.

“If one day you feel like crying... call me.

I don't promise that I will make you laugh

But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to run away, don't be afraid to call me.

I don't promise to ask you to stop,

But I can run with you.

If one day you don't want to listen to anyone, call me 

I promise to be there for you, 

But I also promise to remain quiet 

But...If one day you call and there is no answer...

come fast to see me..

Perhaps I need you.” 

- Robert J. Lavery

I hate myself, to the core. It's not only you that is against me. Everyone is, the world is, even I am against myself. I hate how I changed everything. I hate how I am still living. I hate what I am right now.

At times, I feel lonely and my heart wants my penguins back, but my brain will stop me, because this happened once before, I was a burden, a hindrance to success. I don't want to let it happen again, yet I still want to go back to where left off.

I'm torn.

 It was entirely my fault. But I'm getting perpetually exhausted, tired. I want to stop trying, I feel like stopping, because it looks like I'm the only one trying. While everyone is like 'oh idgaf', you know, I don't know what to say. I'd naturally keep quiet until the subject is directed to another, or 'no, don't say that'.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to count you penguins as. Are we acquaintances or friends? That day when 'outsiders' asked me, I was tongue-tied. Maybe I should've said we were once close but then one day we drifted. 

I really don't understand, sometimes penguins would say they never left in the first place, but on other days penguins would say we only wanted ______ and _____%#%#& urgh what I don't even understand what I'm saying now. You said you didn't leave, but you meant you did when you say we wanted you penguins back.

'Is there something or nothing you wanted to say?'

'That feeling, when half your bottle is filled with secrets, promises, insecurities, and the rest continues building up and they start to burst at the seams, overflowing'

Nobody understands, nobody does. The feeling when you keep everything to yourself for 80days. & when there's nobody you can trust to tell everything to, or there's really nobody physically, there at all and you're just fooling yourself.
You won't know how it feels to have your bottle filled up and the rest to overflow. I am like this because last time I had people I could talk to, but now I don't and I feel.. tensed. Like everyone is out to get me.

No matter how much I fool myself that I can make you happy again, the fact still boils down to this.

''I can't.''

''There's only one person in the world I can trust now..''

''Who? Annabelle?''

Getting to know the fact that she can't trust me after we had so much fun and reflection in a day, it kinda sucks. Especially when all I want was a trust-ful friend. Then, some things happen and I started distancing from everything emotionally, then to her, until finally, the rubberband broke.  

“Friendship is a rubber band. It can either be stretched to its limit so that it can hold the most number of things, or it can be stretched till it breaks. If you stretch till it breaks, it means that the friendship will not last. The one who stretches the rubber band is reality. Whether it holds or breaks doesn’t just depend on how strong the love is. It depends on how aggressive reality is stretching as well. If the rubber band has broken, there is no way to fix it.”

Is there really no way to fix it? 

I never really mind much about their new friends. I even found it weird one day during lessons, that they talk a lot to their peers, but they never hung out.

I'm not snatching, well, I don't know, probably I am now that I'm wanting to take away half the time where they coulda hung out more if I didn't existed at all. I'm just saying I don't want my penguins to forget us completely. I know penguins is a weird word but I feel uncomfortable to 'you all you all'.

& I never wanted 24hrs at all.

'If I can't stop myself from seeing what I don't want to see, then I'll do it by force. If I can't stop myself from saying what I don't want to say, then I'll force myself. I'll cut my eyes out and I'll sew my mouth'

I lost my chance. Cried so much, shed so much red river, on a single picture. It fucking hurted a lot. But now I'm over the picture already. I am contented again, because your smile was beautiful, and you were happy and that's all that matters. The background does not mean a thing.

I do not have courage without you by my side

I can't smile like that. I'll be disappointing you if you expect I should. You're right, this, isn't the only problem for you and it isn't for me either. Month ago, I'm tied by whether I should forget liars, continue greeting two-faces with a smile. But in the end I decide to forgive and forget.

I'm a real person. I sin, I forgive and do good deeds(i don't know what is the opposite of sin), I smile when I'm happy, I brood when I'm sad. But I don't fake, unless I really have to, like infront of my family. But it's tiring, you will never know how it feels to be in my shoes.

Not everything was directed at you, but I will stay away from the hellhole to stop me from turning into a red devil. I will stop myself from brooding. I will stay away from the things you do. But if one day, one day, if I ever break my promise, then forgive me.

I feel very lost, everyone knows what they're doing and I don't even know what to do. It's like I don't even know where I'm going.

All I wanted to say was

I am sorry.