Wingless Butterfly

There was once a girl that said this, that I did not knew it would make so much sense, and that it was a quote, and answer I had been searching my whole life for.
It was something about humans, are like butterflies. We can't see our own inner beauty, who we are deep down. The beautiful patterns on our wings are just.. Unknown to us.
And the only way you would know what you're worth, is the people around you. Your loved ones.
They make you believe you're a butterfly with beautiful wings.
And all of you are like butterflies with each a different pattern on your wings.
And me? I am just a wingless butterfly.

I felt my insides bleed after taking off the plastered smile off of my face.

La vita è bella

Finally changed my twitter profile and background after like what, a year or two?!?! FINALLY MAN.
Well, I know I haven't been blogging, well I never did since December omfg I feel so sorry for my blog T____T SORRY!!

 

Well lemme talk about what happened over the course of 2 months.
Ever since I got my results, eligible for PFP and succeeded in the application, I've gotten super, super lazy! I swear, when I'm outside whether it's to buy something or like for medical check-up (for poly enrolment) today, I keep zonking out, and people will have to repeat what they say because I wasn't listening and go "Huh?"
It's like I've gotten so dumb after N' Levels ended.

 

Speaking of N' Levels, I'm kind of doubting myself for not going for O's from there? I miss studying, I miss revising notes and books and I miss working hard now. Also, most people said that PFP may not be a good choice because if you fail you go back to sec5. But trust me I was just so, so, so exhausted at that period when it was 2months after N's levels had ended, I thought I prolly wouldn't have the energy to push on through 1 year of O's. I was also very sick of the same ol' environment, same people, same teachers and same ol' nagging, golden rules blah blah.

 

So.. it was time I change to a new environment. To meet new people, new teachers and most of all, NEW CCA! No really, I loved my percussion band family in St.Anthony's Canossian, but I was soooo tired of staying back after school 2 days a week and stand for hours. And yeah, kinda one of my main reasons why I didn't want to go back for CCA in Sec5. So yeah time to say I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE "whacks vase off and flips table" and sing 
 ♫ it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, for meee ♪~
 

Of course, even when I meet new people, I musn't forget about the people whom have stuck by me throughout my secondary school years. I wouldn't, obviously. I love them too much, how could I?
   
Ending off with a gif, 
I say,
Ciao!

Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens

To think about a time when a good person hugged you and told you you're going to be okay, and that you were great... to feel better. 
..I feel pathetic, because I'm merely clinging on to a memory, and the person's prolly not even aware that what she said.. had made me feel special for once.
I feel pathetic, because she's not even a person that's close to my heart, yet she says things that mean so much to me.
And I feel pathetic, always crying when it's rainy, just to feel like someone is there crying with me.
I really, really, feel pathetic.

Mini Encounter During My Run

 So today during my run around the perimeters of Simei Green at 10pm, I encountered a snail on the main road at around my 7th round. 

Throughout the run after I was very careful not to step on the snail, and I paid close attention to it every time I ran past it. Around the last few runs I started having these thoughts for the snail, (and thoughts I mean really crazy overthinking kinda thoughts, but I'm just gonna mention what I 'overthinked' of the snail, the reason of this post) 

"what if it gets run over by a car?" I thought as I think somemore of how I'm such a contradict to want to bring the snail to safety while my biggest crave and "must try one day!!" is ESCARGOTS. Urgh who exactly am I!!!11 )-:

Anyway, after I finished my 15th round which was my last round, I went up to the snail and trust me!! it wasn't easy.
I thought about how my sis told me when I was younger I once went up to a group of boys that were crowding around a snail and picked it up to show them. 

"Since I could do it when I was younger, this shouldn't be a problem right?" I thought when I took some flimsy stick to poke the shell. It didn't care and continued gliding slowly infront. Then I tried to lift up the shell and GOSH.

The body, the sluggish gooey body didn't get lifted up with the shell and I freaked out!! Well I didn't lift it up entirely lah, it'd be worse if I had actually hurt the snail by removing its shell instead of bringing it to the aisle of the road to safety. 

Anyway when I was lifting it, it's antenna (?) was like popping up and down and that's when I thought I was hurting him but I prolly scared him actually lolol.

So in the end I left him alone there to strive on his own, and it's raining right now I hope he didn't run into any misfortune.

The Truth

  Hey guys! It's been far too long since the last time I blogged. So... decided to make a comeback by changing to a new blog template (had to do it cause I accidentally screwed up my old template and didn't have a backup wtf) and new name!
And yeah, looking at the title and a picture of a fully-opened window you can guess it's going to be kinda like a confession.

 To be honest even typing here I don't feel comfortable, but compared to saying it to anyone else in real life, this is relatively the best, and the most comfortable for me right now.

And, fret not!! This isn't going to be some mushy, sweet-nothings confession meant for a specific other half. But this is, probably meant for some people.
  Some background info (?) for the past few weeks, months and prolly my whole life, I've been stressing out, worrying over a lot of things, changed into a seemingly different person entirely and back again, I don't know. & this is why I was afraid to start blogging again, because I don't want to be writing another blog draft and delete it just because I don't know how to explain myself. But I'll write whatever I can.

  This year, prolly will be my most regretful year. I guess it's because I lost a few valuable close friends. It was my fault, I let them slip away because I was so self-indulged in my own thoughts, selfish and so self-centred. Well, they found new friends and maybe met new people to be with and I'm glad for a particular friend that she is more happier now, (I know she is I just know it hueghueghue *paranoid*) because I used to worry cause deep inside I know she deserves more than what she got that time, at least that was the past and like I said she is happy now, and considering she's in the hands of my other close, trustworthy friends (omg im so confused right now this friend that friend, next time need to name initials!), she'll be well taken care of.
  
But I am still very upset that I let that particular friend go because she was with me for 4 years in school and even in cca. It sucked that all this happened because of my self-indulging me.

And to the other friend that stuck with me throughout my secondary school life till the period of july, I just want her to know that she is irreplaceable and she will always be my best friend even though we drifted like mad because of me. I'm sorry.



Note: reading on from here on may/ may not offend you, really depends on who you are. but I'm really just being honest if it does. 
and if you are, then no offense (that is very ironic).

Not only did I drift apart from these beautiful people I treasure, I drifted from this other circle of friends, too. But I was glad I drifted from these group of people, which are the ones I hang out for recess with, for my whole secondary school life. I guess you can say I'm the kind of person that people do not respect, someone that you can brush her opinions off like dust on a suitcase. That's because I devote half my time in entertaining, having fun, making a complete fool out of myself in this group because I just enjoy making others laugh. Of course, I don't expect myself to be respected if I'm like this, right? So I guess it kind of started off like that, changing into someone less silliness, more firmness to my actions and in my sentences so I won't be treated like a less-worthy person. But believe me, I tried. But whatever I did, nothing seemed to work.
They still made fun of me, laughed, even when a complete stranger could tell I was really being firm.
& I'm left, there, to wonder if what I did before, all that being joked of and being silly and all was an awfully huge mistake.
 Sometimes I become really tired of it, or I just think I should be myself, and go back to my old patterns again. To make a joke out of myself for other's laughter and joy.
 Soon, their laughter and giggles turned into disgusted looks and sniggering, from being made fun of became critisising and insulting me, especially when times when it's a personal conversation between one of them and me. And trust me, I really freaking mean it when I said they made disgusted looks and the sniggering part. That moment, I swore, I will never get that image off. Ever.
  
And I didn't realise it became this serious until this one day earlier this year when I got home, hugged my legs while I was in the bathtub and thought about all that they had said that afternoon

and cried.

Then I realised now. It was exactly as what happened to me about 5 years ago.
When I got slapped, when I got hit on my thigh until it became bruised because I refused to hand over my daily pocket money to this girl in my primary school.
That day I got abused,
I got home, hugged my legs in the bathtub and cry, too.
It was a long story, why I held on to that primary school friendship for a long time, but I have written a long blog post of it before (go and find it if you want >__>) . Eventually I broke all ties with her because obv I was still perfectly sane and knew what a bully is and meant.

So what happened to that circle of friends?
Surprisingly, I still talk to them. I guess it's because not everyone in there is that mean and fucked(oops), and as long as they know where they stand and the limit, at least right now they do, I'm fine with them in my life.

Anyway, I put almost to no effort into them anymore, I mean, why am I putting in so much effort to make them happy when they aren't going to put in ANY effort? Sooooo....... isn't really worth it.
I guess I chose the wrong friends to share my weirdest gift with.


But for now, they are behind. Because I want to concentrate on the ones that are truly important. The ones that cared for me, gave me unconditional love, supported and believed in me. I want to give them the laughter and the joy that they really deserve. I can't imagine life without these people, really.
omf i just teared writing this part hehhehe (': -wipes-

Of course, after that incident I've been very wary and critical about the people around me, in case anyone crosses the line and deja vu! Same cycle will happen.

Anyway, if you're guilty of such a bullying act, verbally or physically, you should stop and apologise now.
Cause karma will get you.

Thinking of writing a part 2, but shall leave it for next time. It's 4am right now and I wanna continue watching my korean drama *yawns* Screwed up body clock at its best :P
Okay, ciao! 

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” - Albert Camus

 

  

Long, long time.

 HELLO EVERYONE!!!! 
 it's been fucking fucking long since I blogged. It's been like what, 2months? Haha.
Things took a turn for the better as compared to the time of the previous post. Well, I guess so? At least I'm not that insecure anymore. I feel more mature now, I learnt to be more independent and to be accepting and happy with my life, because of course, yolo (-;
Although I still think I'm still a bit insecure and such, and thinking about the stuff today make me realised I don't speak well with acquaintances/strangers, to the point I am so awkward.
I still feel like I close up a lot, and am a kind of person that needs a lot of space. However, sometimes I just want to open up just like the rest of the people, but I just can't. I find myself acting like a slug that's been poured salt on and hiding in its shell after, but I would've melted by then, so.. forget the salt part. No? Just me? Alright.

Recently, I feel so moody, listless in the day, and in the night I get so upset and depressed with myself I actually think about my past and.. ya' know, cry. I don't know what's happening but I just felt like it. & I know this is normal for girls when their 'ahem' is just around the corner. I hope it's true. 
 I'd just get insecure because I never want to lose anyone close to me, much less get replaced. If it were another person close to me doing the same thing as you, I'd too, get upset.

On a lighter note, I had POA for 8 or 9 hours today, and it was so so so productive! I absorbed everything Ms Tan has said during the consultation and I got full marks for P&L, P&L Appropriation,Current a/c and Balance Sheet, and I used to suck so much at it that I scored 20percent below the average percentage, oh god. So to me, this is a very good achievement for me, and I'll do better cause obv isn't the end yet.
Shall end off with a happy picture. Yay AT!!
Ciao~ 

You could be happy, I hope you are. 
You made me happier than I'd been by far.