Just wanted to jot down my thoughts in this post. I've been thinking a lot for these few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to cover everything I can remember right now, I don't wanna be adding in more stuff after I publish this hehe.
So a few days ago, I was doing a lot of thinking then, I realised I push people that are close to me, away a lot. Probably on purpose, prolly not, I don't know. I never really think of really pushing others away unless you're a fucking bitch ass that suck ups to everybody and think you're the best and look down on others, well then yes I'll push you away, I'll even push you off a building. It's like uhmm.. when someone new comes along and tries to get really close to you? Like they build their trust really fast and in a few days they're already sharing their secrets to you. And them, they automatically think that you will trust them as much as they had already trusted you, will want you to share your secrets too. I get uncomfortable and without knowing it myself I'll back off. Is it because I build my trust in people slower than what usual people do? Is that why I always end up building a wall around me?
Maybe this doesn't happen that much to new people I meet. What about the people I'm close to? The people I've built years of friendship, brick by brick?
It's been a weird behavior/habit of mine and I haven't really paid attention to it until that day when I thought about it.
So I went on google to search ''Why do I push people away'' LOL, and yeah lots of useful results came in. Clicked on a few forums and it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. In fact there are many people doing it (guess I'm not abnormal afterall).
These people from the forums, came up with many possible solutions. Some say I have avoidant personality disorder (?), which I kinda agree (:P). Then some say fear, that if I get too close to someone else - being too reliant or dependent on them. Or the most common one, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them.
Another reason could be,
''so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie.''
Well haven't got a clue what is an avie, I think it's the main person (?)
And of course, subconsciously backing off to see if someone will stay or not. If they give up and leave, they aren't suitable. And if they hang around, we push them harder -__-
They also said your childhood also affects what you are now, but I've never suffered any shock when I was a child, well, maybe, apart from G. But.. reeeeaaally? Maybe she was a best friend cum freaking monster and that prolly scarred me for life. I guess maybe I just don't want to go back to that day, huh.
till now I haven't got a clue what's with me. I think I'm just going to let nature take its course.
But I'm not going to do it anymore.
I do treasure my relationships with others and take it seriously.
However if I still do it, pardon me. I don't mean to, then again I do if you are ((insert 7th line of blog post here))
I hope our friendship will be swirl endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.
