And yeah, looking at the title and a picture of a fully-opened window you can guess it's going to be kinda like a confession.
To be honest even typing here I don't feel comfortable, but compared to saying it to anyone else in real life, this is relatively the best, and the most comfortable for me right now.
And, fret not!! This isn't going to be some mushy, sweet-nothings confession meant for a specific other half. But this is, probably meant for some people.
Some background info (?) for the past few weeks, months and prolly my whole life, I've been stressing out, worrying over a lot of things, changed into a seemingly different person entirely and back again, I don't know. & this is why I was afraid to start blogging again, because I don't want to be writing another blog draft and delete it just because I don't know how to explain myself. But I'll write whatever I can.
This year, prolly will be my most regretful year. I guess it's because I lost a few valuable close friends. It was my fault, I let them slip away because I was so self-indulged in my own thoughts, selfish and so self-centred. Well, they found new friends and maybe met new people to be with and I'm glad for a particular friend that she is more happier now, (I know she is I just know it hueghueghue *paranoid*) because I used to worry cause deep inside I know she deserves more than what she got that time, at least that was the past and like I said she is happy now, and considering she's in the hands of my other close, trustworthy friends (omg im so confused right now this friend that friend, next time need to name initials!), she'll be well taken care of.
But I am still very upset that I let that particular friend go because she was with me for 4 years in school and even in cca. It sucked that all this happened because of my self-indulging me.
And to the other friend that stuck with me throughout my secondary school life till the period of july, I just want her to know that she is irreplaceable and she will always be my best friend even though we drifted like mad because of me. I'm sorry.
Note: reading on from here on may/ may not offend you, really depends on who you are. but I'm really just being honest if it does.
and if you are, then no offense (that is very ironic).
Not only did I drift apart from these beautiful people I treasure, I drifted from this other circle of friends, too. But I was glad I drifted from these group of people, which are the ones I hang out for recess with, for my whole secondary school life. I guess you can say I'm the kind of person that people do not respect, someone that you can brush her opinions off like dust on a suitcase. That's because I devote half my time in entertaining, having fun, making a complete fool out of myself in this group because I just enjoy making others laugh. Of course, I don't expect myself to be respected if I'm like this, right? So I guess it kind of started off like that, changing into someone less silliness, more firmness to my actions and in my sentences so I won't be treated like a less-worthy person. But believe me, I tried. But whatever I did, nothing seemed to work.
They still made fun of me, laughed, even when a complete stranger could tell I was really being firm.
& I'm left, there, to wonder if what I did before, all that being joked of and being silly and all was an awfully huge mistake.
Sometimes I become really tired of it, or I just think I should be myself, and go back to my old patterns again. To make a joke out of myself for other's laughter and joy.
Soon, their laughter and giggles turned into disgusted looks and sniggering, from being made fun of became critisising and insulting me, especially when times when it's a personal conversation between one of them and me. And trust me, I really freaking mean it when I said they made disgusted looks and the sniggering part. That moment, I swore, I will never get that image off. Ever.
And I didn't realise it became this serious until this one day earlier this year when I got home, hugged my legs while I was in the bathtub and thought about all that they had said that afternoon
and cried.
Then I realised now. It was exactly as what happened to me about 5 years ago.
When I got slapped, when I got hit on my thigh until it became bruised because I refused to hand over my daily pocket money to this girl in my primary school.
That day I got abused,
I got home, hugged my legs in the bathtub and cry, too.
It was a long story, why I held on to that primary school friendship for a long time, but I have written a long blog post of it before (go and find it if you want >__>) . Eventually I broke all ties with her because obv I was still perfectly sane and knew what a bully is and meant.
So what happened to that circle of friends?
Surprisingly, I still talk to them. I guess it's because not everyone in there is that mean and fucked(oops), and as long as they know where they stand and the limit, at least right now they do, I'm fine with them in my life.
Anyway, I put almost to no effort into them anymore, I mean, why am I putting in so much effort to make them happy when they aren't going to put in ANY effort? Sooooo....... isn't really worth it.
I guess I chose the wrong friends to share my weirdest gift with.
But for now, they are behind. Because I want to concentrate on the ones that are truly important. The ones that cared for me, gave me unconditional love, supported and believed in me. I want to give them the laughter and the joy that they really deserve. I can't imagine life without these people, really.
omf i just teared writing this part hehhehe (': -wipes-
Of course, after that incident I've been very wary and critical about the people around me, in case anyone crosses the line and deja vu! Same cycle will happen.
Anyway, if you're guilty of such a bullying act, verbally or physically, you should stop and apologise now.
Cause karma will get you.
Thinking of writing a part 2, but shall leave it for next time. It's 4am right now and I wanna continue watching my korean drama *yawns* Screwed up body clock at its best :P
Okay, ciao!
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